


The Me That You Know

by PipeDreams



Series: NIN Verse [5]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-02
Updated: 2011-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-18 21:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipeDreams/pseuds/PipeDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the root of Tommy's troubles turns up at his doorstep?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Me That You Know

_It won't give up,_ _  
It wants me dead,  
Goddamn this noise,  
Inside my head.  
It won't give up,  
It wants me dead,  
Goddamn this noise,  
Inside my head._

 _  
_

__

“A-Adam?” Tommy stuttered out, gaping a little in an unbecoming manner he presumed, as he looked at Adam who stared at him warily across the threshold.

And it was really Adam. Decked out all in black, and spiffy leather boots and a large pair of sunglasses which hid his eyes.

“Yes Tommy, it’s me.” Adam deadpanned before proceeding to take off his sunglasses before zoning in on Tommy with those beautiful grey eyes of him like a laser beam.

Tommy loved those eyes except when they focused in on him and sometimes saw too much. He looked away, nervously playing with the hem of the wife beater he wore. The wife beater he wore with his old pair of extra roomy boxers. _Shit_.

“You plan on inviting me in anytime soon?” Adam said arching his eyebrow when Tommy still remained quiet.

“Uhmm yeah sure... I... I... you... why are you here Adam?” Tommy asked point-blank.

“Seriously, could we like have this conversation inside?”

“Sure... sure...” Tommy shifted gesturing for Adam to come in. He watched as Adam headed towards his living room. He watched Adam’s tall figure and broad back and the way Adam’s hips slightly swayed as the man walked away from him. Tommy’s heart started to beat faster. He closed the door with a loud bang unintentionally, the sound clearing his thoughts for a few seconds. He rested his forehead against the door and cursed the havoc Adam’s simple presence in his home had caused. _Breathe Tommy. Breathe._

 

 _The me that you know,_ _  
He had some second thoughts,  
He's covered with scabs,  
He is broken and sore,  
The me that you know,  
He doesn't come around much,  
That part of me,  
Isn't here anymore._

 _  
_

Adam looked around his friend’s living room and grimaced at the sight of disarray. Packets of potato chips and assorted snacks were strewn all over the floor. Peanut shells littered the lovely table he had helped Tommy picked out. He didn’t even want to know about the dark stains on the couch. __

“It’s... uhmm movie night?” Tommy said quietly behind him.

Adam turned around slowly and looked at Tommy. And there was Tommy. Who looked grey around the edges, dark rings around his eyes. And the hair that he was so proud of? Matted and flat, with a sheen Adam suspected was not entirely of the healthy kind.

“What happened to you Tommy?” he asked, his voice cracking towards the end as his eyes finally noticed Tommy’s arms marked with abrasions.

 _  
All,  
Pain disappears,  
It's the nature of,  
Of my circuitry,  
Drowns,  
Out all I hear,  
No escape from this,  
My new consciousness._

 _  
_

__

Tommy saw the way Adam’s eyes travelled, glancing at him from head to toe before fixating on his arms. And suddenly Tommy felt dirty. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly.

“What happened to you Tommy?” Adam asked, his voice strained.

“I... I can’t do this Adam. Could you... c-could you leave please?” Tommy pleaded. He thought the therapist and all the pills she made him take had helped. Maybe it did. Till the root of it all decided to pop by his house one fine day.

“ _No_.”

 _  
The me that you know,  
He used to have feelings,  
But the blood has stopped pumping,  
And he is left to decay,  
The me that you know,  
Is now made up of wires,  
And even when I'm right with you,  
I'm so far away._

 __

Adam stubbornly stayed put; crossing his arms in a similar defensive pose to the one Tommy was currently projecting.

A few minutes ticked by before Tommy blinked and simply walked away from him, heading towards his bedroom. He made a move to trail after the man, entering Tommy’s bedroom only to stop when Tommy continued on to the bathroom before shutting the door with a slam. The sounds of the shower soon followed.

 _  
I can try to get away,  
But I've strapped myself in,  
I can try to scratch away,  
The sound in my ears,  
I can see it killing away,  
All of my bad parts,  
I don't want to listen,  
But it's all too clear._

 _  
_

__

“Stubborn, stubborn sonofabitch. Fuck him! Stupid sonofabitch! Who the fuck does he think he is?! Fuck!” Tommy shouted, the mixture of water and tears running down his face as he slammed his fists against the tiled walls. “Fuck him! _Fuck_ him!”

 _  
Hiding,  
Backwards inside of me,  
I feel,  
So unafraid,  
Hold a little tighter,  
I might,  
Just slip away._

 _  
_

__

Tommy mechanically put on his makeup. Concealer. Concealing the dark rings and why he hasn’t managed to sleep in peace without the aid of sleeping pills the past few weeks. Eyeliner. Outlining his eyes so Adam would not look elsewhere. This time he wanted Adam to look at him. Look into him. And see nothing. Because Tommy would simply not be there. Adam would see someone else in his brown eyes and then go his merry way, convinced that Tommy was okay.

Tommy smiled into the mirror. No, something was wrong. Lip-gloss. Tommy smiled again. He was ready.

 _  
It won't give up,  
It wants me dead,  
Goddamn this noise,  
Inside my head._

 _  
_

__

Adam cleaned up Tommy’s living room as well as he could and when he was done, proceeded to the kitchen to clean up the mess there. He wondered where Tommy’s roommate was and why he had allowed Tommy to sink to the current state of depression he was in. Adam knew what depression looked like. He had been there once a upon time. He didn’t like it. Not at all. And one way or another, he was getting Tommy out of the downward spiral.

“Adam?”

Adam looked up from the kitchen table he was wiping and saw Tommy resting his shoulder against the doorsill. Tommy, and yet not. The Tommy who had greeted him at the door was a mess, broken, laid bare. But this Tommy. This Tommy was hiding.

“Tommy, _why_?” Adam asked simply.

Tommy never answered. He approached Adam slowly, not looking at Adam till he stood toe to toe with him. And then he looked up. Adam could see the shimmer of tears in Tommy’s eyes before Tommy’s lips touched his in the most fleeting of kisses. He smelled the faint scent of strawberries and licked his lips. Strawberry lip-gloss.

Adam looked at Tommy who had backed away, a wild look in his eyes.

“Tommy?” He watched as Tommy licked his lips nervously. And in that moment, no one else existed for him save Tommy. He leaned forward, grabbing onto Tommy’s arms, intending to pull him in for another kiss.  Before Tommy placed a hand on his chest, pushing him back. Adam growled, bending further in.

And finally Tommy spoke.

“We can’t Adam. I am so sorry... You have someone else. Please... _please_ just leave.”

Sauli. He had forgotten about Sauli. Fuck. But here was a man he once thought he loved, hurting... and he could do nothing. “Tommy?”

“You keep saying my name over and over again. Stop. I’ll be okay. Just please leave Adam. I need to be alone right now. Please at least give me this.”

Adam could see that Tommy was breaking down...  what had he been missing all those times? His mind quickly flashed back through the past few months. And it finally clicked. Tommy was breaking down... because of him?

“Fuck.” He looked at Tommy who was now hugging himself. The apartment was not cold. _He_ was making Tommy shiver and he did not know what to do about it except... “I... I...”

“Just leave Adam,” Tommy said tiredly.

 

 _I,_ _  
Beat my machine,  
It's a part of me,  
It's inside of me,  
I'm,  
Stuck in this dream,  
It's changing me,  
I am becoming._

 

And Adam did.

 _  
_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from NIN's 'The Becoming'


End file.
